I’m going to type my thoughts out a little bit. Skip this, I would.

I’m sat making little lino prints, lazy little lino prints of a poem in my own (reversed) handwriting. Nice task, satisfying, nice to be sat with these curly little shards of rubber all over my desk. I’m anxious it won’t turn out right, I haven’t thought it through, really, and that tends to be a bad beginning. But at the moment if I’m excited about something suddenly I’m running with it, because it is a novelty that is good to hold onto and also because perhaps that’s a useful thing to learn to do. Too many things on the back burner and so what if I stay up far too late to achieve one of them?

I need to put a textiles portfolio together fairly quickly and I’m anxious about that, too. I need to somehow combine monoprinting and embroidery with these lino cuts. Just embroidery. Or. I don’t know. I don’t want this to end up unfinished. I want to achieve something this fortnight that isn’t just surviving because no one is going to give me a pat on the back for that and if they did I wouldn’t feel deserving of it.

In a class today I did bookmaking and it was so nice. Here is a big piece I’ve done and I’m going to make something tiny out of it that you have to peep into. It appeals to me a lot. Here is a little sketchbook I made, with little feet in it, little magazine feet, little spooky faces. So so nice. That was a good hour, today.

To be thankful for, the chance to make a modest living teaching people a language I’m fluent in with no effort on my part. That makes me feel very lucky. To be able to explain the difference between ‘to talk’ and ‘to speak’ and be paid for it is a good thing. All my grammar nerd needs attended to.

To work on, how I behave when I’m distressed. It isn’t acceptable to take out my emotions on others when they don’t deserve it (does anyone ever deserve it?) and I am a grown up that should learn to keep that sort of thing in check. To apologise and explain when level headed I am not happy with. It is a shame to treat those you love the most the worst, but it is a pattern with me. 
 

I read Jeanette Winterson’s Written On The Body and it completely exhausted me. So much more emotionally intense than I was expecting. I loved it and read it in a day. It’s been such a long time since I did that. I’d just finished To The Lighthouse and the contrast in pace maybe made me overenthusiastic, but they were both enjoyable in that I had to pick each sentence apart in both. I lent Written On The Body to my friend and when I get it back I’ll find some quotes. There were a lot from TL and I’ll write them up tomorrow because there are many many many. 
Too tired too tired. I like queues, I am writing this and it is already the future, I am already asleep. 

I feel out of order and a bit out of sorts. I feel like I need to organize my life better, make a few plans. Get some things down on paper and stick to them, to prove to myself I can, because my willpower has been terrible. Laziness and stress; when I find that things are overwhelming I push everything away. [I’ll go to bed now and get up in the morning, I’ll have my breakfast (which will be x y and z). I’ll work. I’ll do Acceptable Leisure Activity a b or c. There is such thing as too much control and I find that balance so difficult]. Really though, I have been so amazed recently with how my life is shaping up and I am very happy with that. Happy with what I’m capable of. I can socialise again; I can read again. I can want to do things again. I can contemplate my future and see it as exciting or overwhelming or frightening, and not just empty black space and dead ends.  

To do-

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I got into the competition I entered, which I’m really pleased and excited about… I have a shelf to fill with jewellery to sell, so I’m going to have to work really hard this month to get it all done by the deadline. Discipline man. I have some designs drawn out that I’m pretty pleased with and I’m excited to start them but I’m procrastinating like hell. I’ve organised all my sewing boxes and tidied my room so far, and I’m running out of things to do, so I guess I’m going to have to get going. 

Last night was good, it had some really good bits, but as usual it didn’t end very well for no particular reason, so I’m feeling pretty bad today. Moving through it. I’d like a nap. 

I got accepted onto Art foundation

A-weeeeeeee 

…And the smoke came out our mouths
On all those hooded sweatshirt walks
We were a stroke of luck
We were a goldmine, they gutted us
From the sidelines you see me run
Until I’m out of breath
Living the good life, I left for dead
The sorrowful Midwest
Well, I did my best
To keep my head 
…
But you think about yourself too much
And you ruin who you love
All these claims of consciousness,
My stray dog freedom
Lets have a nice clean cut
Like a bag we buy and divy up
And from the sidelines
You see me run
Until I’m out of breath
And all those white lines that sped us up
We hurried to our death
Well, I lagged behind
So you got ahead 

can’t do it can’t do it can’t do it 

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